what blurs and what’s clear

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Current mood: ashamed

it’s when you’ve walked and starts running, and turn back around and saw that you haven’t really walked nor run that far, and you realised you’ve been walking and running in circles and your cheeks gets wet from the tears that just keeps coming, but you refuse to give up and you continue to run, chanting these words to keep your feet from giving way - i have a heart of stone i have a heart of stone i have a heart of stone - and your brain fights back, fights your emotions, and you swipe the drops of water from your face, and you chant and you chant and you chant. and your knees gave way, and you drop to it to the cold hard dusty ground and you weep, and you weep into your trembling two palms. and you surrender. you surrender and you die and you surrender. and you realise this is a mistake, and you turn around and saw you’re still in the circle and there’s no other way. i weep and i die and i weep and i die and i surrender. and you whisper these words - i don’t know how to get out, there’s no way out, i tried, i tried, i tried. and you weep and you weep and you weep. and your weeps becomes a wail. and you wail and you wail and you wail. and you clutched your heart, and say these words, say these words in your breathlessness - why does my heart race faster the further i try to go? and you rest your head in your palms and you cry and you cry and you cry, and you surrender, you surrender to these very last words that you’ve been trying so hard to run from, and you whisper, you whisper so softly so nobody hears, but everyone knows - i love you.. i tried i tried i tried, but i love you. and you cried, and you surrender. there’s nothing else i can do. and you say, and you tell him, you tell him you love him you tell him you love him you tell him you love him. you tell him you’re sorry, you’re sorry you’re sorry. and you stop running now. you cry and you weep and you wail and you surrender. you surrender. it was a losing battle. you’ve no where to go, no where to run. you surrender.

reality is, we all grow up at one point. we all have.

A pendulum unheeded, unattended
Mere mechanism of the passing days
My wretched need laid like a lion’s pelt against the cold
A bicycle’s a cosmos rolling forward
Wheels turn the linear pin
The wheel’s sole intent is turning
Do we grow or merely age?
Do we change, or just get older?
Moving stage by stage around the circuit of our times?
Harnessed to our pin, we act again
We act, perhaps amassing
New passions surely passing
I march the mill of time, and I grow a little old
I’ve turned to face the truths of sheer necessity
The full course run, no more needs to be said
The door’s still open, but the child is dead
Looking back, very little can deflect the course of miracles
My voice is silent from futures
My back against the past
And I no longer beg eternal questions
Because between the lines of fear and blame
I walked away.

Current mood: sad

"The hardest thing to govern, is the heart."

You don’t need to be political to govern mine. Find and get me this damn movie and I’ll serve you like I’d serve Elizabeth. This has got to be the only movie I didn’t get to watch that I’m obsessed and yearning for. I want this movie more than I want my planned trips for this year!

Perhaps I failed to speak about this particular obsession, but yea I still can’t get the damn show out of my mind. I want the dvd/vcd, please.

Here’s another movie I horribly want to watch.
Amir jan, Hasan jan, I promise I’ll come and see you soon!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

This is family. The people, the house I grew in and love.

At center stage

And in life’s noisiest hour,

There whisper still the ceaseless love of Thee

The heart’s self-solace and soliloquy

You mould my hopes, you fashion me within;

And to the leading love-throb in thy heart

Thro’ all my being, thro’ all my pulse’s beat;

Thou lie in all my many thoughts, like light

Like the fair light of dawn and autumn leaves

On rippling stream, or cloud reflecting lakes

Believe me, if all those endearing young charms

Which I gaze so fondly today

Were to change by tomorrow, and fleet in my arms

Like tinker-dusts fading away

Thou would still be adored, as this moment thou art

Let thy loveliness fade as it will

And around the dear ruin in each wish of my heart

Would entwine it self verdantly still

And had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths

Enwrought with golden and silver light

The blue and dim and the dark cloths

Of night and light and the half-light

I would spread the cloths under your feet:

But I being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

I mourn no more my lonesome days;

This blessed hour atones for all.

And if I must, I’ll too, marker it down on a vanguard and carry it around when we take our walks.

Trapped upon a battle ground

And the clouds fretted and flew, as though
there was a reason for their acting distraught.
There may have been, of course, but at this distance,
better to act dumb and accept the inevitable
as a long-anticipated surprise. Then if what lands
on your plate stares angrily at you and the other guests,
why, it’s checkout time

So this moment’s tremors mingle with others
on the departure platform. Who knew it would be this silly,
and so dense? Nevertheless, we have a right to know,
to have our impulses regulated and calibrated in the
interests of farther and fainter reaction-shots.
Sure,you’ll get your rights read to you and sooner
than you may have counted on. Let the monotonous
group of listeners pump you for details, they’ll provide
backup and terminal ecstasy at the way stations.
It couldn’t have been any other way. You knew that.